My Apology to Bill Cosby and His Reply

What does it really mean to be a mature grown-up? *

Several months ago I wrote a blog entry entitled “Dr. Bill Cosby and Some Scholars Make Me Wanna Holla.” Shortly thereafter, I also did a radio interview with Dr. Boyce Watkins, founder of Your Black World.com. In my writing and the interview, my hope was to make a point that each of us is important and to know your worth, however, this is not how it was interpreted.

Thanks to Dr. Bill Cosby I saw my dream of meeting Oprah Winfrey come true. Dr. Cosby and Dr. Alvin Poussaint also included a part of my intense journey in their book Come on People: on the Path from Victim to Victor (pg. 225-226). Following the suggestion of a friend, I attempted to contact Dr. Cosby and request something called a testimonial (another person’s praise of your work or achievements). When my request was turned down (due to Dr. Cosby’s schedule), I took it personally and remained persistent, but to no avail.

Disappointed and even disgusted, I began writing to explore the issue. Some readers and listeners supported my views while others thought otherwise. I figured eventually this issue would pass. What I wasn’t expecting was a lingering feeling that troubled me for at least 1 year. Had I become an enemy of ‘America’s Dad?’ At one point I even tried to ignore what I was feeling. Until one day, my phone rang. On the other end, a young lady began to tell me how ungrateful, rude and arrogant I was.

‘Surely she had the wrong number,” I told myself. The more I listened to this young lady go on and on and on about my behavior and actions that supported her assessment, I wanted so badly to hang up the phone. Reluctantly, I listened to her banter that felt more like a beating. As she continued, my inner conversation said, ‘Don’t listen to her. She is not a minister. Heck she doesn’t even have a college degree. In fact, she is simply a single mother with two children trying to tell me what to do.?

I couldn’t believe what I heard myself saying in my heart. But it was there; a feeling of superiority brought on by my success and celebrity in my hometown and a few other places (thanks to Dr. Cosby). My heart had become cold and cruel. That’s when I heard God’s spirit say to me, ‘That’s it. This is exactly the attitude that I am after that has your soul aching.” I didn’t want to become one of them. You know, people who look down on others or how about people who expect you to help them because they can and should be down for the cause.

Immediately I fell to my knees and repented. I asked God to forgive me for not recognizing Him as my Source who also allows others to assist Him from time to time. The more I cried it became clear to me – I expected Dr. Bill Cosby to do more for me than he had already done. Eventually I called that young lady back and thanked her for being obedient to the voice of God and asked for her forgiveness. That’s when it really got deep.

While at bible study, I felt lead to share my experience. Little did I know that it was going to be a public confession on my wrong doings; how I lost focus in the process of pursuing my dreams. I offered a heartfelt apology to my pastor, family, best-friend, church family and even my ‘was-band’ (a positive term for ex-husband). Relieved, I felt that gnawing feeling stop. It was conviction and a warning to do things differently.

I didn’t get off that easy. I knew that I also owed Dr. Bill Cosby an apology also. Here is some of what I said to him and his response to my apology.

Dear Dr. Cosby,

Last night I realized how arrogant and ungrateful I have been towards you. My own blindness to my arrogance, pride, and aftermath of a victim’s mentality has caused me to overlook and not appreciate the many blessings that God has bestowed upon me.

I had no right to place any demands on you or your assistant. I apologize for my attitude and any actions taken (my blog and interview with Dr. Boyce Watkins) which conveyed a message of disgust and sense of entitlement. Although this was not my intention I also realized I was wrong. Nobody owes me anything, including you. Please forgive me for this also. I plan to post an apology on my blog and do an interview noting the lessons I’ve learned through this experience

With God’s help and a bold friend of mine I became aware of the fact that I was blocking my own blessings by being ungrateful, arrogant and not dealing with past pains. Today is a new day and I am doing the necessary work on me to allow my healing to occur and preparing myself from the inside-out to accomplish my goals and dreams.

One thing is for sure, there is no substitute for ‘good old fashion values’ like respecting your elders and others, working hard, being honest and saying thank you.

Humbly Submitted, Delores Mae Jones

Dr. Cosby’s response: “What a pleasure. What a pleasure. After reading your wonderful letter explaining your giant step towards becoming a victor; I say to you, you have also blessed God and made his adversary very unhappy. I leave you with this bit of advice given to me by a black woman in Detroit, “trust in Allah, but tie up your camel.”

Continue your healing. Thank you, Bill Cosby.

(P.S. ‘I accept your apology and feel we are all healed! Thank you, Kim’ (Dr. Cosby’s assistant).

Like many of you, I so desperately want my dreams to come true. What I failed to recognize is that along the way to your dreams it is better to remain true to the values and humble attitude that allowed God to bring you so far. God has equipped you to do great and marvelous things as a reflection of the gifts and talents He has given you to improve your life and the lives of others. Remember there are no little ‘I’s’ and big ‘U’s’ in unity or in God’s sight.

You have probably heard someone mention that we (African Americans) were promised 40 acres and a mule. This might be true, however if you only have 30 acres and a cow, would you spend your energy and effort trying to get the additional 10 acres? What I am saying is simply use what you’ve got and if along the way someone gives you a lift and a little more, say thank you, and keep on working. On the other hand, if someone does not give you what you think you want or need to succeed, understand that what you need will be supplied therefore be open, humble and ready to go.

Stop standing at the same door, knowing that it is locked. Perhaps God wants to take you through a window or even make a hole in the roof top to get you in. Remain open, thankful, and grateful, trusting (having confidence in) this irrefutable fact, “For with God nothing shall be impossible.” (Luke 1:37).

Be Blessed,

Delores M. Jones, MSW
(www.DeloresInspiresMe.com)

*Answer: Admitting when you are wrong, taking responsibility for your actions and making the appropriate corrections.

Black or White Women: Why Tiger Woods Choice of Women Made a Really Big Difference.

So he was caught cheating. Who hasn’t been? The issues about Tiger Wood’s infidelity and high profile chapter in his life now called, “sex, lust and lies” is really nothing new. What makes his alleged sexual escapades stand out is based on his preferred choice of women. In this case, white women. In fact, Robi Ludwig, a psychotherapist who recently appeared on The Joy Behar Show said Tiger’s choice of women was more about status and not necessarily sex.

Ludwig goes on to say that the fact that Tiger’s alleged mistresses are white basically means (Big Daddy Woods), is saying, “I’m like every other black successful man who says; in order to be successful I need my trophy white, or trophy girlfriend.” On the other hand, had the mistresses been black women, Tiger would simply be saying, “I’m supporting my own kind,” according to Ludwig. You’ve got to be kidding me!

Perhaps Tiger Woods is saying, “I am a wealthy man who decided not to keep my ding-ding in my pants.” Recently, at a class reunion, a black female classmate approached me and asked, “Did you notice that most of our successful black male classmates are now married to white women?” She then jokingly said, “Where did we (meaning black females) go wrong?” Seriously, when did a man’s preference for a certain type or race of woman mean that a black woman has failed? Or that any race of woman (White, Asian, Hispanic, Latina, etc) has failed for the matter.

So, is Ludwig correct, when he says the fact that Tiger’s sexual partners were all white women is also a statement about success, status and not simply sex? What about compatibility, satisfaction, personal preference or limited interaction with a specific kind or race of woman? Tiger Woods isn’t the most confused, narrowly focused or worst man on earth to get caught cheating, he just happens to be a billion dollar player whose transgressions are more interesting than the guy next door.

Let’s face it sex for some men is as necessary as oxygen. The more they have it the better they can breath. Some even swear that without sex, they would surely die. Perhaps ladies, we should be more honest about our sexual experiences with our men. If the guy needs to improve in the bedroom, tell him. Apparently he thinks that practicing outside your relationship or marriage makes him perfect. Wrong again.

It’s been reported that Elin Nordegren, Tiger’s wife, was offered $80 million dollars is she stays with him until 2016. In other words, she would get significant bling- bling because he did not control his ding-a-ling. Does everything have a price tag? How much is heartbreak really worth?

The day my ‘was-band’ (a term meaning, ‘he was my husband’) forgot to logout out of his email account I noticed a special email folder with his lover’s name on it. Was he hoping to get caught? After all, emails, voicemails and text messages never really disappear. “One more night of you in my arms like that and I’ll give you the keys to my house, car, and.…,” his email read. The emails and pictures became more explicit (a nude photo, more lies and broken promises).

They met on-line after he placed his profile on a single’s website during our nine-month separation. He claims they had sex because I had left him. On come on. Men and women choose to have sex because they want to. Why do we play these mind and heart games with each other like pulling a petal from a red rose while saying, ‘He loves me. He loves me not.’ As sexual beings (male and female) perhaps we should just come to terms with the truth about love, sex and relationships. Marriage simply is not for everyone.

For two days I processed what had been said in the emails. Then, I tried to put myself in his place and connected with my own sexual mishaps and God’s amazing grace. Finally, I asked him to sit next to me as I read his sexual emails back to him. I asked him, “How does it make you feel to hear these words?” His answer, “men will say anything to have sex.” I wish I could also tell you that I cut him off immediately, but when it comes to matters of the heart, self esteem and self respect it doesn’t work like that.

Getting on with my life has not been easy. Eventually I went into the studio and recorded a self-help survival CD titled “Help a Sistah Out: Finding Your Way (During & After) Heartbreak” (available at www.DeloresInspiresMe.com). Listening to the cd is like having a soothing voice there coaching you through the ups and downs of letting go and accepting your own reactions and behaviors while working through the stages of change that a drug addict goes through when trying to overcome an addiction. Men have even given great reviews after listening and using it to deal with their own heartbreak experiences.

Let’s face it. Love, lust and heartbreak know no color or how big your bankroll is. Getting through it requires a look at the naked truth and accepting the obvious in black and white. Chrisette Michele’s hit ‘Blame it On Me’ says it best, “Oh you thought it was meant to be. I admit so did I, every once in a while you think you figured it out. Sometimes you’re not right……Sometimes you can work it out, sometimes you can’t. Sometimes it hurts to know the loving you had is slowly fading away.” In listening to the lyrics, also find time to laugh out loud, especially during those rough times; when you feel like giving up times.

Watching Tyler Perry’s movie, Diary of a Mad Black Woman helps every time, especially the scene when Madea helps Helen tally up the cost of Helen’s efforts in the marriage and then subtracts a “major deduction” when Helen admits that the sex was not so good. Ask yourself, if there are any deductions that you need to make? Now be honest, no one is that good. Ok, maybe he or she is, but that doesn’t mean the person is good for you.

Be blessed.

Delores M. Jones, MSW
Website: www.DeloresInspiresMe.com

Who Can I Run To?

Simple things can help you survive these tough times. The things you choose must be special, significant and up-lifting for you. Overcoming doubt, fear, depression or disappointment is not a ‘one-size fits all’ experience. What at times works for others may or may not work for you. This is ok as long as you understand that there is something especially available for you. It could be a story, a song, prayer, praise, testimony and anything that God miraculously allows to speak to you.

The key is your willingness and ability to hear the message and allow it to take root in your heart (mind) long enough for you to see the fruit (relief, victory) even during the storm. The other day after talking with a counselor about some major events (death of my great-grandmother, cousin, murder of a classmate, divorce and job loss) that have transpired in my life within a short-time span (less than 2 years) I realized that what ‘I needed’ was to simply be held by loving arms. I could not help but think about the comfort my own son Ricky finds in my arms during what he sees as his rough days (i.e. football practice, attending a new school, etc). No matter what the problem has been for him, one thing he can count on is my willingness to listen to him and hold him as he processes the things that are happening in his young 11 year-old life.

At times I wish my own mother and great-grandmother were still here on earth to comfort me, however the memories of their love encourages me to give the same gift to others. Sunday during church I saw this young woman with tears in her eyes. I could see her sadness, the reasons for the sadness weren’t as important as her desire in that moment to find relief. Knowing what I knew about pain, sadness and relief, I joined her at the altar and hugged her. She cried and cried and cried.

I didn’t say much. What she needed was a simple touch. A touch reminding her that she is not alone, forgotten and yes, trouble doesn’t last always. Trouble teaches us a lot of things. It teaches us about the things that are working for us, worth holding on to, things we must let go of and things we need to walk away from.

As the going gets tough grab a hold of the things you know affirm how wonderful and precious you are. In order to do this you must stop looking to news headlines, stereotypes and statistics that dare to tell you how the story goes. Have you noticed that it seems easier to abandon principles and practices that have brought us a mighty long way in exchange for more education, money and material things? Now no one just sets out to do this, it just happens and trouble has a way of letting us know this. I can honestly say that I thought that my celebrity, success, intelligence, education and all those things that symbolize ‘we’ve made it,’ would help keep me during these rough times. The truth be told, they do not.

What I have come to know is that there is nobody like Jesus. There is nobody like God.  I no longer apologize for my faith and how it has kept me because other things lack the power to do so. At times you may be tempted to abandon the truth that has set you free in order to fit in, even in the boardroom. But before you do, understand those people in the boardroom have issues too and to thine own self you must be true.

Education, success, popularity should be ‘in addition too’ what has brought you through, not ‘in lieu of.” Great-grandmother knew this and while in her arms she would always whisper something to remind me of this.

Blessings,

Delores M. Jones, MSW

website:DeloresInspiresMe.com

Is Your BUTT too Big and in Your Face?

     How many of us just hates when someone stands in front of us blocking our view, especially when we are sitting down in a seat like at a concert?  Now, you really can’t see or enjoy your favorite music artist that you paid, let’s say $90, to watch perform your favorite hit.

Getting Up and Getting With It

All right. Finally I am now an official blogger.  Thanks Nicholas (l0l).  I have had so much to say, but avoided saying it out loud, on paper, until now. Let me give a quick shout of support to all of my clients and students who recently took part in my Personal Life Management Seminar Series.  These powerful women and men are taking on their challenges with the understanding that, “giving up is not an option.”  Many of them came from various walks of life, but their common bond is to make better decisions that empower them to no longer need TANF (Temporary Aide for Needy Families) also known as welfare.  Let me just say, I have a serious problem with labels that tend to stigmatize people.  We are just people. At times we are people who need a little extra help.  Now if you are not willing to help yourself even after receiving assistance from others, I’m not talking about you. 

We can all agree and tell from the news, that people are having a tough time these days.  You have more week than money.  The bill collectors are definately not UNEMPLOYED.  They call everyday. Call me if you would like to have me serve as your answering service (lol).  They are doing their job now let’s do ours.  One of the major things that I recently shared with the group was the need for your very on ‘personal anthem,’ a song or series of songs containing messages that support you, strenghten you and encourage you to become the person you choose to be.  We really had fun with this exercise.  Everyone gave me a song for the list.  Here are just a few of them:  ‘Brown Skin’ (India Arie),  ‘Spolight’ (Jennifer Hudson), Never Would Have Made It (Marvin Sapp), Fat Bottom Girl (Queen), Booming (Toby Mack), I Can Only Imagine (Mercy Me), Hit Me with Your Best Shot (Pat Benatar), Feel Like A Woman (Shania Twain), Don’t Stop Believing (Journey), and Just Fine (Mary J. Blige).

The goal of the exercise is to help you identify a song, beat, and rhythm that connects you to a ‘vibe to be happy.’  Usually how we feel is based on what we are thinking.  What we are thinking is based on what we hear, see, or believe.  Wouldn’t it be great to feel go most of the time?  YES!!!!  I know we all have days that are preceived as bad, but sense this is apart of life, why not make the most of it.

I recall a time I had just broken-up with this guy.  I was in college and Lord knows a heartbeat experience was the last thing I needed.  One weekend I decided to take a trip home.  I jumped in my little car. Grabbed my cassette tapes and hit the road.  As I was driving down, I-35 heading west, I popped in Toni Braxton’s hits also featured in the movie Boomarang.  I confess. I had my own personal copy of the movie that I watched practically everyday.  Anyway.  Toni’s song Breathe Again came on.  As she sang, “if I never feel you in my arms again. if I never feel your tender kiss again. if I never hear I love you now and then. Then I promise you, that I shall never breathe again. “  Before I knew it I was getting mad. But why?  This was her song, but not necessarily my truth.  I mean I missed the guy and all, but not being able to breathe was a serious matter.  My deeper belief was that God gave me the breath of life and He trusted me to make the most of it.

By the time Toni Braxton’s song Seven Whole Nights began to play. I tearfully sang along. “Seven whole nights.  Not a word from you. I can’t take it.  I had about enough of you. I wanna be on my own.” Suddenly, I ejected the cassette tape out of the player.  Opened the sunroof of my car and tossed the entire tape out the window and onto the highway.  (Sorry Ms. Braxton).  It became apparent to me that I needed to be heading in a different direction if I wanted to be happy and free.  The songs I was listening to sent my heart spiraling down into the dumps.  Don’t get me wrong, I love Toni Braxton.  I even had the distinct honor of  singing with her on stage at one of her performances in Las Vegas. (visit my website to see it. www.DeloresInspiresMe.com). 

This opportunity happened several years after this toss and I was now mature enough and whole enough to listen to Toni’s music and not overreact emotionally.  I can now appreciate the lyrics because it reminds me of a part of my distant past that I have made it through.  I now have a Cd copy of that cassette (lol).  I’m a big girl now.  The point is to make sure you can handle what you are listening to.  Understand where the message and music takes you mentally, spiritually and psychologically.  Make sure the beat you are feeling is in step with where you are planning to go with your life. 

Blessings,

Delores

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